Back Again...

The Contemplation of Stars - 2010

by NiraneDenn

Hello my friends. It's been almost exactly a year since my last post. I initially just wanted to take a short break for a few days, but those days turned into months as I went through my own personal journey of addiction, depression and anxiety. I began to separate myself from everything I once loved: music, friends and learning about this multidimensional Universe and our role on this planet. I became isolated, separated and distant. The same Source, or Creator, I once felt a part of was no longer there, or at least that's what I thought.

Over the months, this went on, I was escaping from myself. I had fantasies of getting into my car and just driving, to disappear from my current life and live out the rest of my years in seclusion. I felt like I didn't belong here, that this current reality was not something I was supposed to experience. All I wanted to do was go home, back to the Source.

Finally, over the winter, in two short months, I went to residential treatment and got the help I needed. Three weeks later, we had a baby boy. In the midst of the chaos and uncertainty of adjusting to a new way of living, I began reaching out to a lot of supportive people, and built back my sense of community, my sense of belonging.

Although there were times I didn't think I could go on anymore, I am grateful for those experiences. I wasn't at the time, but because of them I faced my suppressed memories. I cleaned my heart and mind, and began to live more in the present moment, the eternal now. I am still figuring things out as I go but feel a renewed sense of wonder and awe for the Universe, the macro as well as the micro. The mystery of looking out into an eternal Universe is only half the equation. Inside we go on forever. For every exhale there is an inhale.

I hope now, while taking care of a newborn, working my recovery and everything else in life, that I will begin writing more. I've enjoyed posting news stories by other writers and still plan on doing that. But the awakening process never ends, and it means different things to different people. That is the beauty of who we are.