2012, My Personal Journey

The Sower - Vincent van Gogh, 1888

By planetawakening 

For me personally, 2012 has been quite a ride. I can honestly say it has been the most transformative year of my life and I'd like to share some of it with you.

New years eve, 2011/2012: what I remember about that night was laying in bed, a deep depression had overcome my usually cheerful demeanor. At that point, I had been searching for a few years for my identity, for who I truly am. The institutions I was raised in and the mainstream way of looking at "reality" never felt right in my heart. I found myself completely dismantling every brick from the foundation I had built for over 30 years. It left me feeling both free yet extremely isolated.

A few weeks had passed since, and I was still experiencing "dark nights of the soul". Those who have struggled with depression will know what I mean, I don't wish that amount of despair on anyone. It's a paralyzing feeling that takes over, a dulling of the senses, a thick heavy blanket that covers your entire body making it impossible to see, to feel, to move.

“Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.”
~Eckhart Tolle

Then there was a night, in mid-January, when it all changed. In the midst of the despair and dread, seeming from out of nowhere, I experienced a separation from my mind. I saw myself, as if looking in on another person, observing the pain he was going through. I began to feel wave after crashing wave of unconditional love, and a peace that I can't adequately explain with the words that I type. I felt a connection with all that is, a joining of my spirit with all life, past, present and future. Tears began pouring, the energy was so intense I couldn't contain it. I have read about spiritual experiences, and "spiritual awakenings". But I never had my own experience. I understood in my mind, but never knew in my heart until that night.

That experience would mark the beginning of many more peaks and valleys.

I suddenly knew, the love of the creator, the vibrating energy of all of creation. The connection to it all. It was all so new and intense. I wanted to talk about it but the people closest to me didn't fully understand, so I created a second Facebook account and found a community of friends who knew what I was talking about. I could post and start discussions without judgement or fear of ridicule. We could share this journey together.

I began to take in all sorts of information. I learned about ancient wisdom traditions, sacred geometry and the flower of life. The knowledge of "as above, so below". I began listening to "whistleblowers" who were talking about the dark cabal, a conglomerate of nefarious individuals, who were planning total world domination. I heard about the coming plan to arrest these individuals and herald in the new age of abundance and peace. I took these words in and believed that humanity was headed for a grand unveiling, complete with landings from our galactic brothers and sisters who would assist us in our ascension out of three dimensionality into the higher dimensions of existence.

Through all this frenzy of anticipation, and despite my personal "awakening" experience on that cold January night, I was still struggling with the ups and downs of depression and anxiety. I set my expectations high, hinging on the words of those who I thought were "in the know", only to experience disappointment when it didn't happen the way I envisioned it would. I wanted vindication, I wanted to be proven right so all those around me would finally begin to believe me. I thought I had awakened and the rest of the populace was still asleep. I was Morpheus, working tirelessly to unplug people from the matrix, and often times resenting them for not wanting to change.

“As long as you have certain desires about how it ought to be you can't see how it is." ~Ram Dass

I decided to take part in a mindfulness meditation class, facilitated by a student of John Kabat-Zinn, based on his book Full Catastrophe Living. It was an eight week course designed to help those who suffer from mental and physical illnesses, and addictions, to overcome these trials by practicing non-judgemental meditation and mindfulness. This class catapulted me into a state of being that changed my life, it gave me a firm foundation to begin to take root in as my new spiritual understanding grew.

The more I began to practice meditation, the more I began to look within, I realized that "awakening" is not so black & white, what if the truth is so simple that it has been inside of us this whole time? What if the truth of "awakening" is as simple as love and forgiveness? There are universal principles that every culture and creed share, a common trait in humanity, and that is the desire to feel loved, the desire to belong, the desire to be free. That is an inherent trait that comes from the heart and connects us all. No matter our political position, or our views on religion, we all ultimately want the same thing. There are just different approaches, different costumes in the play.

What I have learned about this year, the coming winter solstice that has been anticipated for centuries, is that change, the "new reality" begins within. It begins in the heart. No amount of news can quench the thirst for a true connection to all life, to the creator. The latest headline may keep us informed of what is going on in our world but it is still food for the dualistic mind, the ebbing and flowing of joy and anguish, of peace and restlessness, of hope and disappointment. The trick is to discover that perfect union between the mind and the heart, that intuitive connection to all things while still acknowledging the world we currently reside in.

No matter what awaits us in the coming months, I wish you all a happy and healthy new year as we welcome the new cycle of time and the blossoming of human consciousness, however gradual or spontaneous it is. The real battle is fought within, the real awakening is a very personal experience tailored to fit each and every one of us in our own unique way.

Namaste